Thursday, December 9, 2010

On a more serious note-PREGNANCY & BIRTH-

So I know there are other funny and crazy things that have happened between Easter Sunday and present but my brain is overwhelmed with thoughts of my experience the past 5 days, and I can't think of anything else really.

The past 38 weeks have gone by so quickly- literally from the time I handed Brian that + test--up to now just seem like a handful of days. I never experienced morning sickness, had a handful of cravings, couldn't see my feet past 3 1/2 months of pregnancy, got humongous, gained a total of 46 pounds, had convinced myself I was having a toddler, tried to "shave" the area all by looked like I had broken out in the worst STD infection someone has ever seen because of all of the I opted to never do that again and was completely obsessed with my belly and the little thing inside of it. I was convinced it was a monkey because it moved around all of the time but later found out that it was infact a human, a little girl that we instantly named Reagan Layne. She became our pride and joy and we talked about her like she was already with us. I thought she was amazing! So....37 weeks and 5 days pregnant.....and I develop high blood pressure.... preeclampsia. They decided on Monday, the day I was 38 weeks, to induce labor. I had not had any emotions, really, the entire time I had been preganant. In the begining I cried a little because I wanted her to be perfect and ok- and when that passed I never had a hormonal madness or sadness time. I was pretty jolly the entire pregnancy...until Monday, October 11th when I had to go to the doctor so they could check my blood pressure. I went straight from there to Brian's office, took one look at him, said "We are having a baby today," and completelty lost it....and have yet to find it! We get our bags and head to Vanderbilt. I was prepared for a natural childbirth- no drugs- mind over matter- and oh yea, Brian and I were supposed to be taking a childbirth class/newborn infant care class on Thursday!

So the induction process starts around 4ish. We r just hanging out. My mom is there, Brian, and a team of doctors that explain how slow this process will be and that since my BP was so high I would be on a Magnesium drip so I would be bedridden with a catheter- making natural childbirth less fun because you can't walk fastforward to 4:00am as I am screaming out in pain and finally call for an epidural. That part was great and about an hour later I am telling the nurse that it's not pain- but pressure that is becoming too much. She checks me...and yep, we are ready to go. I text everyone in the family to let them know that pushing starts about 5:30 and we could have baby by 6:00am :)...... wishful, wishful thinking. I pushed for 3 hours and the resident said it's enough. You have two options, forceps or c-section, I was lliterally so dead tired that I couldn't even talk- much less make a decision- so I was asking everyone in the room to make the decision for me- I am pretty certain my mumbled words's whatever! hahah So I took about a 45 minute nap- yes, contractions and all, and then pushed for about 20 more minutes with forceps and out came my tiny monkey! And there is was, Tuesday, October 12th @ 11:04 am. I OFFICIALLY became a mommy. It was amazing- SHE was amazing- black and blue from being stuck under my pelvis for so long; but she was amazing nonetheless. It was more emotion and love then I have ever felt...more love than I could have ever imagined. They put her on my belly/chest and left her there for a minute and then Brian cut the cord and they took her right over to a team of NICU nurses that cleaned her up and weighed her. I muscled up enough energy to ask how much she weighed and when one of the nurses said "6 lbs. 9 oz." I responded that "that was unacceptable" and "I needed to know what they did with the toddler I was carrying around!" Once I knew my baby girl was good to go, had a bracelet that matched mine and saw Brian following close behind where she was going, I passed out! The whole 20 hour process was a lot to handle!

So fastforward to today (October 15th). We are still in the hospital. I have been discharged but my precious little girl is jaundice and is still here. I can not seem to get my emotions under control. I can't stop crying, I just want to be able to take my little girl home- and to see her laying there helpless under the phototherapy lights....I seriously have never felt this heartbroken ever before! We have been through so much the past 3 days and as hard as it has been, I have never felt more in love with my husband as I do right now. Something changes when you have a was like I fell in love with Brian all over again, even more so than the first time. I also don't deserve him. Because I had a magnesium drip I could not get up from the bed for 24 hours after birth (did I mention I couldn't eat anything either!); this means no walking to/fro the bathroom; which means either cath or bed pan. I chose the bed pan. My poor husband was actually helping the nurses change the bed pan, my pads and putting medication in places that most husbands probably don't even know exist! I have never appreciated anyone as much as I appreciate him. It has definitely been a humiliatig experience for me- it is not what husbands sign up for- yet my Brian took it all in stride and simple said, "It is what I am here for." Not to mention he is trying to keep my sanity from running away while we wait for some news about us being discharged.

Seriously black & blue!

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